Week 32

8 months pregnant.....wow. This week was a week spent trying to get my life back on track. I had developed a strategic schedule for my everyday life and different goals that I had set to accomplish throughout each day. The past two weeks, I allowed someone to have enough power over me to throw it all out the window. Dealing with "emotions" and trying to get back on schedule has proven to be quite difficult because all I wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. Luckily, things are falling back into place and I'm slowly getting back to schedule.


I have a a few things that I want to talk about this week and I'm not sure what to say in my blog post today......

Something that I have noticed this week is how in touch I am becoming with my spirituality. I am becoming a more conscious being and learning how to not allow my subconscious mind destroy me. I owe this to my daughter. Without her, I do not think I would have ever been able to tap into this side of myself.

This concept is hard to explain to others. The easiest way I can describe my most recent enlightenment would be to say think about animals. Animals literally have no sense of time, they live in the moment. They simply learn from their mistakes they have made in the past and apply it to that exact moment that they are in.

Time is not real. It is a made up thing that we as humans have created for monetary purposes. We dwell on the past  because we have been taught to believe that the past exist when in actuality it doesn't. We sit and dream about the future because we have been taught to believe that we are promised tomorrow. In reality, the only thing we are promised is this exact moment.

 I often find myself looking at my cat and thinking how carefree she is. She doesn't wake up thinking about all the bad or good that happened the day before. She doesn't sit and question whether or not I lover her and she doesn't question her self worth based off of things that have been said or done to her. She wakes up ready to start a new day, everyday. She sits and enjoys looking at cars passing by the window and chasing little bugs because in that moment that's all that matters to her. Like I said, animals don't sit and dwell on the past but more so learn from them. My cat uses her litter box because she learned that the last time she peed in the shower she got sprayed with a water bottle. She knows she doesn't like to be sprayed with a water bottle so therefore she uses her litter box.

 I don't see why we as humans fail to have this same mindset. When people hurt us you would think we would be like my cat and learn our lesson and move on. Instead, most people keep going back to that same person and allowing ourselves to get hurt time and time again until we can no longer bare the pain. Through this journey, I have learned how ridiculous we are.

Our mind never stops thinking, like ever. What we fail to realize is that we have the power to make it stop thinking. Our subconscious mind is a very negative thing. It is judgmental, degrading, and tells you how much of a piece of crap you are basically. The key to living in the moment is realizing that you can actually control your mind and thoughts. You can become conscious. You have the power to live in the moment and to not think about the future or past. One "power" that I have possessed over the last 8 months is being able to separate my subconscious mind with my true self. I have been able to become aware when I am not conscious and living in the moment. I am developing the capability to sit back and watch or listen to my subconscious think. It's amazing. I am able to listen to it and know that what it is saying is not always true.

Emotions are demons sent from the subconscious. While it is healthy and normal to be aware of the emotions you are feeling, there is usually a deeper meaning behind the way that you are feeling. I am learning that I am not my emotions. I am learning to look deeper and recognize the pain body that makes me feel a certain way. I'm reaching within myself to find the root of why particular actions people take make me feel sad or angry.

I know some of you are reading this like "wtf is she actually talking about" or you may be saying I'm a weirdo or crazy for having these thoughts. Honestly, It does not bother me because I am at peace with myself. There have been days in the last week when I felt like an anxiety attack was coming on at any moment for the simple fact I was so overwhelmed with emotions and didn't know how to deal with them. I just so happened to open a book and youtube one day and I was completely blown away at how the universe works. The reading explained exactly how I was feeling in that moment and the videos that popped up on my youtube were also related to my current situation. I realized once again, I was trying to control a situation that I truly have no control over. I realize I have to surrender myself and trust that the universe is forever working in my favor.

As humans we all are going through a lot. That is simply because we put ourselves in those situations. Life is only as hard as we make it, unfortunately we often tend to make it hard due to living in our subconscious mind. I refuse to make my life difficult. The only person that I can control is myself. Instead of sitting here thinking "this is not how my life should be" I am accepting that this is where I am in my life and remembering to remain grateful for the journey that I am on. I know that I did everything that I could to make my situation the "ideal" situation and it not my fault that I ended up here because again I cannot control the actions or feelings of others.

Through this journey, I have learned what unconditional love means. I am becoming in touch with a higher power. I am learning more about myself than I have ever known before. I am also learning that you never know who a person truly is or what they will become. Though it all hurts really bad some days and I feel like the pain is to much to bare, I just think about my little girl and all that she has done for me. I have never felt so strongly about someone I have never even met. I appreciate her so much for helping me find beauty in myself and not just on the outside but the inside. For helping me realize my worth and finding strength to get up and keep going when I feel weak and broken. While I am ready to meet her, I kinda wish I could stay pregnant forever because I absolutely love it.

She is still a perfectly healthy baby living extremely lavishly in there. I found that she is now head down and preparing to enter this world. I'm anxiously gathering items for our hospital bags in hopes to not forget anything on the big day. She now is not just kicking the front of my stomach but seems to a keep a little foot tucked away in my back almost.

Sorry this is a longer post. I guess I just had a lot to say this week. I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week. Thank you to everyone who reads my blog post faithfully and even takes the time to reach  out and give feedback. As a creative, those simple comments mean a lot and really prove to be motivation. Also, shoutout to the people who share my post. Your one simple share really makes a huge difference and I appreciate it.


xoxooooo,

Kmac.