alone.

I found myself hiding away in the bathroom at work and I was so excited that no one was in there because that meant that I got to be alone. I find myself constantly searching for different nooks and crannies at work where people are least likely to find me or better yet stop and talk to me.

I have found that I have a love/hate relationship with being alone. I think it all boils down to me being not fully being comfortable with just me. I tend to find myself so drained after work or any social encounter. I plea to go home to my wonderful bed and hope that I never have to leave. I yearn for the weekends because I cannot wait to not be bothered by anyone or anything....just peaceful solitude. 

Then that's when the weekend comes....I wake up ready to seize the day. I can't wait to spend time by myself and not being forced into any awkward social encounters. I don't have to fake a smile or pretend that I am okay. I get to fully embrace the silence. But then I realize.....there's silence. My weekends often end with me in tears. You want to know why? Well, because I am alone. At this point, I have thought through situations over and over. I have allowed my mind to manifest so many thoughts that I can no longer handle the pressure they put me under. I beg and plea for someone to come keep me company but of course, I have managed to push everyone so far away they are nowhere to be found. I am afraid of my thoughts, I am afraid where else they will take me. 

I have found that I am one of those people who needs to stay busy at all cost. I'm too scared to relax and be alone because again, I do not know what will come from it. Being alone forces me to deal with life, my emotions. Something that I'm not really good at. Writing helps but, I am a person who feels things to the extreme. My mom says I'm dramatic. When I feel happy, I am overjoyed and probably can't sit still or shut up. When I am sad, it takes part of my soul because I am truly devastated. When I am mad, I am a raging bull.

 Feeling emotions to the extreme is a bittersweet curse. I say that because when I'm happy, in love, or just simply feeling good, it is all so pure. I feel like I am on top of the world, you'd love to be around me. The bitterness sets in when I'm sad, angry, or simply upset because again the emotions are so pure. I feel like I have sunken into the deepest, darkest cave, you'd probably hate to be around me. 

Being alone is a confusing thought to me. It's my poison. I love it so much but I am so afraid at the same time. I think more so, I am my own poison. I love me so much but I'm scared of myself at the same time.