So, this past week was pretty mundane. My schedule pretty much consisted of going to work, going home, sleeping, and waking up to do it all over again. Don't get me wrong though, there were some great things that took place over the last week.
Great Thing 1: My baby girl is getting sooooo big (yes, I know it's supposed to happen it's just weird to watch). Before she was just kicking and they were little tiny kicks that didn't bother me to much. NOW, her kicks are big and hard. She moves around all day and night. I don't think that she ever sleeps, that kind of worries me. She has also started kicking me back, like if I push on her she kicks back, hard. I can feel her flipping and turning in there, it really is such a weird but magical feeling. Sometimes, it gets annoying and wish she'd sit still for like 2 hours (that's me being honest).
Great Thing 2: I feel extremely accomplished because I got so much stuff for her over the last two weeks and get this, ALL OF IT WAS ON SALE. I found a really cute designer diaper bag, I found a boppy pillow WITH the slip cover that was cheaper than the pillow itself at target, I got her play pen for $100 less than the listed price aka I only paid $50, and best of all.......I GOT HER STROLLER. I'm not sure why I have been so obsessed with strollers. Since, I found out I was pregnant I have not been able to stop looking at them. It's not the $2500 one I wanted but honestly, I think it's better. I could probably go on and on about how great this stroller is for hours.
There were a lot of great things that happened this week. I mean I got to wake up everyday, that's a blessing in itself. I'm very thankful for everyday that I get to wake up, I'm grateful for every part of my life but that doesn't mean that I don't have hard days. I've been trying really hard to focus on the positive of every thing and make light out of every situation or obstacle I am thrown. I still find myself battling negative thoughts though.
Going through a break up while pregnant is easily the hardest thing that I think that I have ever had to do. Pregnancy alone is an uphill battle but trying to mend a broken heart while fighting that battle seems nearly impossible some days. There are a lot of feelings of guilt, disappointment, and unfairness involved with it. I feel guilty that I haven't been able to truly enjoy my pregnancy because my mind has been so consumed over a guy. I feel guilty for bringing my child into a situation that I promised myself I'd never do. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. I'm disappointed that I allowed this to happen. I feel like it is all so unfair that I am completely having to change my life while others get to go on about theirs with no worries. It's like a never ending cycle.
I was with someone who I thought I was going to marry. I would have never imagined that me getting pregnant would lead us to breaking up. I feel like I was and still do question my worth based off this situation. I wonder how I am carrying someone's entire child and he still doesn't think I'm good enough for him. That he still believes there is someone better out there. I just want to get on top of a roof and yell out "DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT KIND OF WOMAN I AM?" It hurts to know that I sit around and think about this stuff while I probably do not even cross his mind. It hurts that I dont hear from him for days and I know he is right down the street laughing and hanging out with friends. It hurts hat I'm 7 months pregnant having to carry in & put together my childs stuff alone. It hurts that I'm 7 months pregnant and struggle to get my trash to the curb every week. It hurts that everyday that the place I call home is somewhere we used to share but there is no trace of him. It all just hurts. It's just like damn, am I really that unlovable?
I never wanted my child to have spilt parents. I never wanted my child to have to go through what I did, joint custody. That was honestly the most annoying thing ever. I didn't mind it so much when I was younger but when I got older I hated it. I never felt like I had a true home growing up. Just when I got comfortable, it was friday and it was time to go. I know my parents did what they thought was best. Im thankful that they were able to work together to raise me and my siblings. I just wanted my child to have a sense of stability. I wanted her to feel like she had a home. I didn't want her to have to deal with planning things around who's house she was at that week or not being able to do things because she has to visit her dad that weekend. It's a frustrating guilty feeling that I didn't do better and follow through with my promise.
With that, I found myself devaluing my worth, I was allowing a boy/guy tell me what I was worth and allowing him to give me the bare minimum because I didn't want my daughter to relive my life. After deep thought, I realized how wrong I was for settling for the bare minimum. My dad has always treated me and sisters like the queens we are. How was I going to let another guy tell me I was less than that? How was I going to let him tell me my expectations were too high? That I didn't deserve the best. I wasn't just not loving myself, I wasn't loving my daughter.
Having a daughter I realized I have to learn how to truly love myself in order to love her to my full potential. I don't want my daughter to grow up and allow a boy/man tell her what she is worth. I want her to know that she is a queen and nothing less than that. I want her to know that there are no expectations that are too high when it comes to the way you wish you to be loved. In order for me to expect that of her, I have to hold myself to the same standard.
Yeah, I could have sat around and devalued myself to the point where I could make things work with her father but she is ultimately losing out. Sure, we'd have the family I desire so much but she would miss out on seeing me truly happy. She would miss out on the opportunity of knowing her mother is a queen. She would miss out on seeing how selfless and great true love really is. You should never have to beg someone to love you the way you want to be loved. If they really love they will do it naturally.
Even though I am feeling a lot guilt around my situation, I am beyond grateful for it. I have learned so much about myself and so many others around me. It is hard to not feel alone when your family is far away, the father isn't to interesed, and your friends seemed to have vanished but I am dealing with it. If anyone knows me I have always been the person where if you cross me once, that's pretty much it. I will cut you off and there would be no questions asked. Now, I am working on forgiveness. I'm trying really hard to forgive her father. It's not going to happen over night but I know it's something I have to do in order to give myself peace and to give my baby the best future. I realize that trying to control every situation doesnt allow for greatness to manifest, instead it is resisiting it. With that being said, I am surrendering. I am allowing the universe to take what it needs to take and give what it chooses fit all while remaining grateful and apperciating my journey.
I know that this was a a longer post but my goal is to really share my TRUE emotions and feelings that I go through every week. Some may say I am sharing WAY to much but I feel like I am not sharing enough. I am choosing to make myself vulernable in hopes that it can help someone else. People go through this all the time but it's not talked about because people are embarrassed by it. They want to paint the pretty picture. While my picture may different, it is still beyond beautiful. Since no one else wants to talk about it, I am going to be that person to talk about it. Judge me if you want. I can't say that I don't feel embarrassed at times about m situation or less than but again, I appreciate my journey. Everything happens for a reason.
Have a good week lovelies!
Feel free to send me questions or concerns: kmactheg@gmail.com
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