It has been four days since she has been here and I am still in shock. I am so so so happy to finally meet her and love her. I never thought that someone could be so perfect. When I look at her it is so hard to believe that she is mine and I made her.
Looking at her makes me laugh at all the stress and struggles that I faced over the last 37 weeks. None of it matters at all. She makes the world seem still to me, I am not really sure how to explain the feeling.
I am sitting here now looking at her as I type this and honestly I am struggling to put down what I am truly feeling. I knew she would be beautiful and I knew that she would be perfect but I guess I just did not know she would be THIS perfect. She is so innocent and pure. There are no scratches or scars. Her skin is so smooth and her eyes are white as snow. It's so weird to think that just a few months ago, she was a little tadpole just swimming around.
I have been taking every moment I can to truly appreciate this experience. It hurts my soul to know that everyday she is getting bigger. That one day I am going to look at her and she is no longer going to be my little nugget. Don't get me wrong, I do look forward to the adventures that we will take but I know I will just miss these days dearly when she gets older.
I have simply never experienced a love like this. I really thought I knew what love was before but no one prepares you for the love that you feel for your child/children.
So far, the last few days have been pretty easy. I think that I have been living in a different reality and I can feel myself slowly sinking back down. I am trying to keep my thoughts and space positive as I know postpartum is no joke. I keep having to remind myself that I just had a baby and just because the bump is gone doesn't mean I am fully back to normal.
I know everyone is dying to see photos of her, especially if you have been following our journey. To be quite honest, I really have no intentions on posting her on social media fully anytime soon. As I said she is so fresh, pure and innocent to me. I know it's weird because I have been so open to sharing everything else about my pregnancy but I just feel right now it is not necessary. These moments with her are extremely precious to me. This is just a very emotional and intimate experience that I just want to keep between the ones closest to me.
I really cannot believe this is the last post for my pregnancy series. Not going to lie, I am dropping a few tears (aka sobbing). I have officially closed a huge chapter of my life. I am terrified but so ready to see what this next one is going to bring. August first of last year is when my life started to change for the better. July 28th of this year is when my life changed for the best. I look at her and I ask myself what am I going to do and how am I going to do it. I really just want to be the best mom to her. She deserves the world. I worry I won't be good enough and about the struggles that I may face in this lifetime. I have to keep reminding myself, that I made it this far. There were days when I couldn't get out of bed but now here I am. I know that I have to remain strong for her and keep pushing. As I have learned through my pregnancy tough times are only temporary, things get better, time heals all, and everyday is a blessing.
I just want to say thank you to everyone who allowed me to share my journey to baby and offered support along the way. Writing these post every week have been extremely therapeutic to me. I learned a lot about myself through these post. I watched myself grow through these post not only as a writer but as a person. I look forward to sharing my journey through motherhood and all that it entails.
As I close my last pregnancy post, I want to talk about the quote I added to this blog really briefly. I believe that the universe works in mysterious ways. I have wondered and wondered why the universe felt that I needed a baby so soon and one top of it why it had to be under these circumstances. To be honest, the previous paragraph was my outro but this quote just struck me and I felt my heart sink into my stomach. I have finally got my answer. Simply put my daughter is my star but at the same time I am my own star. My "nebula" needed to collapse in order for her to be put into my life and for me to change mine. Being pregnant with her was a "rebirthing" period for me. Her birth was my official rebirth and obviously her birth. I had never been so intune with my spirituality, mind, and body until I got pregnant. 37 weeks later and I finally got my answer. I am really taken back and baffled right now. Why did it take me so long to see this? I know this last paragraph may not make any sense but just know I am really moved by that quote and life makes a little more sense now.
xoxo,
Kaleb
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