Week 23

As I am progressing into my blogs, I am unsure how I would like to start them out. I feel like saying "hello" at the beginning is very cheesy and repetitive. With that being said, I am just going to jump right into it.

This past week, I came in strong and super motivated to accept things for what they are and to remain positive. Unfortunately, that did not last too long. The past week was also filled with up and down emotions. Feelings of being alone but then wanting nothing more but to be left alone. Confusing, right? I know. SHOUTOUT TO PREGNANCY HORMONES!

I have found myself really beating myself up over everything. I get mad at myself for not working out, for eating a cookie instead of a banana, for not being responsible and bringing this poor baby into such a shitty situation, and simply for being stressed out all the time. The being stressed out thing is what I really get upset over because its not just hurting me, its hurting my baby. She never asked to be brought into this world. Whenever I get super stressed or upset I know she is feeling the same way because she starts freaking out in there. It's like she's trying to jump out and hug all my worries away. 

I am trying really hard to enjoy my pregnancy but it seems nearly impossible. When things finally seem calm and under control, something else pops up.  I have so many decisions to make and no one can help me make any of them. It sucks. Really bad. Of course people can give their own advice but at the end of the day, I have to do what I think is best for me and this precious little girl. It's hard to do because I'm absolutely clueless on what the best option is and she is about to be here!!!!!

On a brighter note, I am FINALLY putting on some weight. How many pregnant girls get excited about that? lol. I'm excited because my bump is finally starting to show a little more. I can't wait until my bump is actually a full on bump and it's no doubt that I am pregnant. Idk why I'm excited for that, I just am. Also can finally feel true kicks and not just flutters andddddddd I can see these kicks as well. I was at work when I first noticed it and seriously almost peed myself. So many emotions took over me. I was on the verge of tears while screaming "ew," all while feeling like my heart had just melted. I catch myself smiling super hard at night before I go to bed just watching or feeling her move around in there. 

 Pregnancy is a very beautiful thing but it weirds me out a little. Am I the only one who has to stopped themselves from feeling like theres an alien growing inside of them? I never saw myself getting pregnant for that reason. lol. Now that I am though, it really sucks that I am so young having her. Though she is not here yet, if I was older I definitely could see myself having another baby. The fact that I'm having her young turns me off from wanting or having any more children because I simply don't want to have to start over in ten years. I would love to give her a sibling but I feel like it's pointless unless they are relatively close in age. I guess she is just going to have to settle with Livy (my pet cat) and maybe I'll get her a dog or something in the future. 

Another great thing, I have yet to really look in the mirror and see myself as being fat or looking unattractive. I truly feel the prettiest I have ever felt in my life and feel more confident than ever.  Maybe it's because I'm pregnant and I am not to worried about if my hair is messed up or if my eyeliner is uneven. Ultimately, I know no one is really paying me too much attention as soon as they see this "bump".  

My cravings have finally started kicking in as well. I am ALWAYS craving something sweet and crunchy. I have really enjoyed eating gobstoppers because they are hard and crunch but also really sweet. I tried the ice thing, but obviously water doesn't have a flavor. Slurpees, chocolate, and ice cream are things I could not seem to get enough of this week. One day was really weird though. Every time I ate something sweet, I craved something salty right afterwards. That lead me to eating non-stop all day because I couldn't seem to get enough or satisfy that craving. 

I'm definitely the over-emotional pregnant person. I have not been giving the ideal situation and I really feel like it's starting to hit me that my dream scenario is not going to come true. I feel like I was waiting to wake up and for things to be just as picture perfect as I had invisioned them, but thats not how life works. I am in the process of accepting things for what they are and appreciating this journey. I have some really huge decisions to make in a short time frame. Sacrifices are something that I have already began having to make and I know I will continue having to for as long as I live for this little girl. I just really want to be the best mom in the world. I want to be able to give her everything that she deserves: a family, a backyard, stability, and tons of love. I just hope one day when all her friends are sitting around talking crap about their parents, she stands up for me and says how grateful she is to have me as her mother because she knows I 'll do anything in the world for her. 

Thanks for reading along. Please share this post with your friends and family. My goal is to create something for other girls to relate and so that they know they aren't alone. 

I also what to start doing more lifestyle post as well. If you have any ideas or things you would like to share please let me know!