Going into this week, I was still pretty down about everything that has happened. I also was really freaked out that I'm 6 months pregnant and this little girl will be here before I know it. It is all flying by so quickly and it makes me so sad. My belly has grown tremendously and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. It makes me happy to see that she is growing and healthy but sad at the same time because I look back at old pictures and hope I can be that skinny again.
It is all still really unreal that I am a mom and going to be a mom for the rest of my life. I feel like no one ever prepares you for parenthood. I am so excited to be able to spend the rest of my life with a little munchkin but at the same time the carefree life that I am so used to living is over. I will forever be worried about another human being. There will be nights were I probably won't sleep because I 'll be up worried about her and her safety. It's really weird to think about. Like, my entire life is no longer about me anymore, it is going to revolve around a little person. I know people are reading this like "duh," but to me it is kinda scary to think about. I believe the selfishness in me is playing a role in my thought process. I've only ever had to worry about my pet cat and planning stuff with her has always been a little bit of a struggle.
This week was a week of realization for me, honestly. I noticed that this whole time I have been sitting around begging and waiting for other people to save me. I feel like I was on my hands and knees pleading for help but no one could/would/cared to do so. My life is changing drastically and its frightening. I realize that the only person who can save me, is me. I have to be the strongest and best version of myself for my daughter and I. Being weak is not an option. I realize I cannot make anyone care about this journey or want to embark on it with me. All I can do is keep the door open. Instead of me enjoying this beautiful process, I have been so focused on trying to get others to enjoy it that I've missed out on so much. I refuse to miss out on anymore.
One piece of advice that my dad gave me was, not to focus on what someone else is doing but to stay focused on what I am doing. I know that I get up every morning and do what needs to be done and strive to be better that I was prior. All I can do is be happy about that. I am done giving up my happiness and sacrificing things for the convince of others. I am at a point where yes, I want family and friends to be involved in my life and my daughters but at the same time, I am done forcing anything. I feel like I have had to force people to care and I am BEYOND over it. If people choose to check in on me? Cool. If people choose to not talk to me for weeks? Cool. It's not anything personal with anyone or out of anger. I have just concluded that people who really care and want to be here will be and will make the effort themselves. I shouldn't be stressed out and upset over people's disinterest. By simply developing this mindset over the past week, I have gained such a clearer headspace. I feel like I can really think about what is best for my daughter and I. It has allowed me to no longer worry about how others will feel or react to choices I make, but instead how it will solely effect our lives.
I really honed in on this and was able to figure out a lot of stuff over this past weekend on my mini family vacation. It was a much needed vacation and it allowed room for a lot of self-realization. While I did enjoy spending time with my family, I truly enjoyed the day I got to spend alone. I feel like I was able to find peace. I was living in the moment and was not worried about my day to day struggles. I also realized that being 6 months pregnant and walking around D.C. is not so fun lol. I forget that my body is working hard to make another human and try to do things as if it's not. Let me tell you, I woke up feeling like I got hit by a bus. Overall, I am really thankful my parents took the time to plan this trip. The African American History museum taught me a lot and I definitely want to go back when I am not pregnant and hungry so I can really focus on everything lol.
This week had such an awesome ending overall and I'm optimistic about what this upcoming week has to bring. The family time and alone time was just what I needed to get back on track.
Hopefully you all enjoyed this blog post. I am planning to start posting more throughout this upcoming week and I'll be posting a video up on my YouTube as well. Stay tuned!!!
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