It's weird because though I'm walking around with what looks to be a ball up my shirt and I feel her jumping around constantly, I don't think I've wrapped my head around the fact that I'm honestly having a baby. There really is going to be someone who is going to look at me to fix all their problems. That's a scary thought because I can't even fix my own problems right now.
Don't get me wrong, while I am currently scared to death about how I'm about to do this whole (single) Mom thing; I absolutely cannot wait to meet her. I'm really excited to see her little feet for some reason. Part of me wants her to stay a baby forever but then the other half of me can't wait until she's like 4 or 5 so we can actually partake in ridiculous activities.
I feel like I'm in such an awkward stage of my pregnancy. I'm pretty far along but still have quite a bit to go. It's a bittersweet feeling that my pregnancy is coming to an end and everything that I've experienced may not ever happen again. I kind of wish that I had those weird late night cravings and had more symptoms in the beginning, just for the experience. At the same time, I'm appreciative that I've had such a smooth pregnancy.....so far. I'm definitely feeling the third trimester kicking in. I'm starting to get exhausted again by doing little activities and the back/hip pain is constant. Other than that, I still feel pretty normal.
As I stated before, the weekends are always the hardest for me. Summer is finally kicking in and lord have I been jealous of all my "friends." I feel like I am missing out on so much and I've been sad thinking about how much I am going to be missing out on in a few months. I feel like that is the child in me not wanting to grow up fully. It makes it even harder because on those nights, I am sitting at home all alone. It sucks to know that her father is out enjoying life with everyone else with no worries, it all just seems unfair.
One thing that has been bothering me lately is people telling me how strong I am or that I'm going to be okay. Of course I appreciate it because obviously people do not know what else to say and are just trying their best to encourage me. I find it annoying because it's like everyone can see how broken I really am. I feel like everyone is watching me run around trying to pick up the pieces. I just feel like when people tell me I'm going to be okay, I just want to scream "HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? WHY DO YOU ASSUME THAT ALL THIS PAIN IS MAGICALLY GOING TO GO AWAY?"
I've been trying to remain positive but some days it is so hard and the pain is almost unbearable. I'm at a weird point in my life. I'm literally watching so many doors come to a close and seeing so many new ones open. I guess ultimately, I'm just scared. I'm so tired of hurting, I'm tired of crying constantly, I'm tired of everything and just ready for this fresh start. As I prepare for this move, I'm so tempted to just box everything up and donate it to really start fresh for me and daughter. I'm trying to remain strong but lord do I feel so weak and defeated. I'm trying to not be a victim and remind myself that I am the victor. Out of all of this, I am going to get to wake up to a beautiful little girl everyday who is going to love me despite everything that I am going through right now. Pain is temporary. I know I am the only one who can let it go. I know that I'm the only one who can heal me, I just don't know where to start.
I'm praying for better days. As always I appreciate everyone who really takes the time out their day to sit and read my blog. I appreciate all the people who check on me constantly even when I don't reach back out or maybe was mean in the past. It really has been the most unexpected people who have been there to help lift me up during this hard time. I don't think I will ever be able to say thank you enough. I really don't think you guys understand how one simple comment or a text really makes my day and makes me feel 100x better.
Hopefully everyone has an amazing week. I will be posting everyday in the month of June, as I have mentioned. I know you guys just can't get enough of me *hair flip*
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